Tonight I watched Amadeus for the first time since I was like 12. It was sad, and beautiful, but mostly the former and it made me think for the "brazillion"th (thanks sarah) time how grateful I am for my life. I was talking to a co worker- someone I was previously intimidated and shied from at first, about people we've dated (she just broke up with someone she was seeing for 2 years) I shared an experience I had that was similar. God really does put us in situations with other people for significant reasons. I needed to share the fact that I understood how she felt, that I cried myself to sleep for a long long time. My heart went to hers, I could only imagine a sliver of what that life was like- I feel like that part of me was so long ago. I was impressed how well she seemed to be coping.
MOST importantly I needed to share the hope on top of hopes- that a heart breaks, expands, and heals.
And she needed to remind me, how lucky and important it is to have the priesthood in my home- even if my husband isn't here physically.
His spirit touches my home, and my heart wherever he is.
That's something I never took into stock.
In my house growing up- we recieved blessings before school and if we were especially sick, but it was hard for me to just ask for a blessing. When I moved away to school, specifically during this heartbreak I referred to earlier, I realized that I could reach out to any priesthood holder, and that they could bless my life in friendship, and mostly through them, God himself could heal my life, my blunders. And comfort my perspective, my head, and my heart.
I really believe that.
In many many selfish ways, I could have looked at that relationship as a waste of time, of effort, I could suppose that it took a lot from me that I would never get back.
But that was wrong.
Love is never being sorry that you gave in the first place.
I'm not sorry that Brandon is gone doing what his heart tells him to, because I am always there, and he is always here.
And it took more fumbling and bumbling and breaking and tears and joy too- to realize all that.
I'm a clumsy person, and I experience those things expectedly, but when do I begin to experience joy?
Precisely when I choose it.
Heartbreak, is the refinement of love.
It takes what isn't working
pieces it apart,
and learns to build it back into something better.
And not just for one person.
The all encompassing universality of that single emotion leaves me in awe and wonder.
It inspires me
to love more, to fear less.
I am going to borrow from Dickens (it seems that's all I do these days reading Nicholas Nickleby) (I am dictionaring my way through it- thank you kindle)
God bless you,
and love you.
okay I'm off my soap box and into bed I promise.