Wednesday, July 13, 2011

"A true warrior fights not because he hates what is in front of him but because he loves what is behind him."
G.K. Chesterton

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Behold, the man.


This,
is Brandon.

This.
is Brandon sleeping.

since three pm this afternoon. poor soul.

As I lay in bed thinking about how incredibly lucky I am to have this person in my life- and thanking Heavenly Father rigorously for blessing our house and for keeping Brandon safe this whole journey a scripture came to mind

about seeming dead for three days... and the wife that said he doth not stinketh to me!

He is getting over a cold, and jet lag, and the excitement for today.

I have to admit, I went into our guest room and cried for an hour because I am so relieved.

Boy, all that worrying sure paid off.
psyche. all that PRAYING paid off.


The Lord really knows each of us, I am amazed at the fact that even though we have both been through so much apart that we can come together and fit again and recognize the joy in our choice to be sealed for all of forever. To see that our hearts still have the same elementary foundations is the most tender thing.

I got some really amazing photographs (thank you kirby for lending the camera (what an amazing camera...) and thank you kirst for taking the pictures) and I will have to post those soon. for now I am content to say that there is a trail of boots and socks and gear strewn all about the house and my husband in our bed.

Gotta grab the tissues again.
WITH LOVE,
and HOPE
and every sincerity a person can afford,
j

ps here is more pictures of the day...

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

brandon is now in california at camp pendleton- he is currently cellphoneless but it is on so if you want to lea ve him a message or text he'd love that i'm sure. (maybe...) he should be there for two more days and then be home on saturday! right now we aren't sure if they will get everything done that they must in caliofrnia in that short of a time slot. last i spoke with him he was waiting in line to see a medical dentist and then off to get tested for HIV. which is standard for all of the men. they returned all their guns and gear last night and brandon tried to wash his camis (camouflage) but all the dryers were being used or broken, so he's been wet all day. they arrived around 1 or 2 pm california time and he has not gone to bed since.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

today i will be content if brandon is on US soil.

at the other side of the counter
i will be very antsy to see him.


opposites
sit opposite from
each other

Sunday, May 23, 2010

time time time, see what's become of us

"The world will continue to turn, lives go on,
the clock keeps ticking.. And deployments? THEY END! And for us, the
moment they step off that bus, and hold us in their arms.. Time will lay
down and be still.. An eternity will pass in those first few moments of
bliss.."-brianna j

this week is going to be the hardest week of them all.
my mom says most car accidents happen in the last ten miles of home.

i cannot even describe the torrent of emotions that run through me, one moment i am ecstatic and the next i am deeply depressed.

many people want to know why and someday when i get it figured out i'll tell you.

i just have to be grateful and humble and happy,
so that i dont ruin the moment we've been waiting for for almost a year.

im going to sleep in like a crazy woman, and then do a few things to keep myself busy tomorrow.

im going to do that for four or five days.

a general update for those who care
brandon and charlie company have left afghanistan and are in kygerkistan (?) on an air force base until tonight when they leave for home

they will stop in probably two more places one in germany and another in london to fill and hopefully only refuel.

brandon sent out an email asking that everyone respect his wishes to be left alone for a while.
for some people this means waiting until he seeks you out,
and for me it means not going to california with most of the other marine wives.
even though i have family there and i would give anything to be away from my empty house for one more week alone.

it means respecting him now, and loving him as he IS and can be again, not as he was or how we idolize him to be.

and more than anything
trusting the lord will put things in their proper place.
with time.

lord help me and those that love him that must wait for him.

as a note to other people and friends who have asked about him or want to see him when he gets home.
please wait until he seeks you out. we were married three rocky months before he left me for a year.
we'd appreciate the time to be a family unit again, and learn how to get back up from this experience together before we have dinner with you and chit chat about normal things.

it doesn't mean we don't love you
but try to imagine what it is like to have your wife or your husband away from you for that long and being back together again.

Friday, May 21, 2010

" Civilians balk at recognizing that one of the most traumatic
things about combat is having to give it up. War is so obviously evil
and wrong that the idea there could be anything good to it almost
feels like profanity. And yet throughout history, men have come home
to find themselves desperately missing what should have been the
worst experience of their lives. To a combat Vet, the civilian world
can seem frivolous and dull, with very little at stake and all the
wrong people in power. These men come home and quickly find
themselves getting berated by a rear -based major who's never seen
combat or arguing with their girlfriend about some domestic issue
they don't even understand. When men say they miss combat, it's not
that they actually miss getting shot at---you'd have to be deranged---
it's that they miss being in a world where everything is important
and nothing is taken for granted. They miss being in a world where
human relations are entirely governed by whether you can trust the
other person with your life.
It's such a pure, clean standard and men can completely remake
themselves in war. You could be anything back home--shy, ugly, rich,
poor, unpopular---and it won't matter because it's of no consequence
in a firefight, and therefore of no consequence, period. The only
thing that matters is your level of dedication to the rest of the
group, and that is almost impossible to fake. That is why the men say
such impossibly vulgar things about each other's sisters and mothers.
Its one more way to prove nothing can break the bond between them;
it's one more way to prove they're not alone out there.
War is a big and sprawling word that brings a lot of human suffering
into the conversation, but combat is a different matter. Combat is
the smaller game that young men fall in love with, and any solution
to the human problem of war will have to take into account the
psyches of these young men. For some reason there is a profound and
mysterious gratification to the reciprocal agreement to protect
another person with your life, and combat is virtually the only
situation in which that happens regularly. These hillsides of loose
shale and holly trees are where the men feel not most alive----that
you can get skydiving---but the most utilized. The most necessary.
The most clear and certain and purposeful. If young men could get
that feeling at home, no one would ever want to go to war again, but
they can't. So here sits Sergeant O'Byrne, one month before the end
of deployment, seriously contemplating signing back up.
" I prayed only once in Afghanistan," O'Byrne wrote me after it was
all over. " It was when Restrepo got shot, and I prayed to God to let
him live. But God, Allah, Jehovah, Zeus or whatever a person may call
God wasn't in that valley. Combat is a devil's game. God wanted no
part. That's why our prayers weren't answered: the only one listening
was Satan."

-Sebastian Junger
War

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

"the sweet far thing"-yeats

well folks, he's not so far away- charlie company flew to camp leatherneck from their station fob Payne on monday (im not sure what the fob is for...i thought it was COP). brandon declares he will never eat another imitation pork rib patty ever again. i asked him to describe the shape of it and he said it is rectangular with three lumps that are supposed to be ribs but there are no ribs in these babies.

we are both very anxious and very happy that this is coming to a close and excited for the next chapter of our lives TOGETHER.

i am going to be journeying up to rexburg this next weekend to see housing and take pictures and grab documents etc. i hope there is still room for us! i hear married housing fills up quite quickly there so if anyone has any suggestions please feel free to tell me!

i want brandon to be a part of this decision though so i can't really "secure" a place until he nods yes.

i know i'll like the place more if he likes it too. :]

they should be in the states in about ten days!

it's at the end time like this where i cannot help but turn my mind to the families who lost their sons this deployment. it will be a bitter bitter sweet reunion for those who are still coming to the welcome home.

i truly admire them and their strength to hope, and press on with smiles on their faces and courage in their hearts no matter how sad they feel.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

giggles.

Highway Patrol vs. USMC.

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar. One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it turned off and could not be turned on.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander.

The reply came back in true USMC style: Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the full! y armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi.



in other news brandon called me four times today. i missed every single call.

i screamed really loudly.

he's going on patrol for a week or so.

"may the fourth be with him"

Friday, April 30, 2010

"When a culture simply shrugs about what happens to people in war, it breaks the fragile sequence, the bond between all people." Michael Meade

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Patriotism is supporting your country all the time, and your government when it deserves it. - Mark Twain

Brandon called on sunday. it is a sweet joy to hear his voice even if it is brief.

He tells me they are in preparations of arriving marines, sanding down all the filth written on the bathroom walls, cleaning up garbage, wearing their full gear (in 120 degree weather...)

He doesn't really want to talk much about what's going on out there.

I don't blame him.

Although my life feels like it's been on pause for 7 months, time has been like a paper cut. I'm not sure where all the time is coming or if it's gone yet. I'm not sure where the pain is coming from, and I can't see it, but it's there.

Brandon has asked me not to come to california. At first this really offended me until I realized that the poor guy hasn't really been alone in 7 months. By the time he gets home it will have been almost 9 months.

Meanwhile, I've had this time to myself, for my mind (almost too much time there...) to process how I feel, what has happened, what has changed and what I have yet to change.

I feel so overwhelmed with gratitude and motivation for the life that begins when he gets home, nothing has even really happened to me.

While what he has experienced is another story.
And, it's HIS story.
So I'll let him tell it.

And even though it hurts to think he might get two full days (in california in my parent's guest house) off, I know in the end it will save us both a ton of anxiety ( i wouldn't know EXACTLY when those two days were until right before they happened like the day of, so i'd have to get work off, and buy tickets, and get my bum down there- and then i'd have to say goodbye again.)

if I would give him some time to just be alone.
I'm going to try really hard to do that.


He says he hasn't written since Carlos died.

So maybe he will write again.

ooh rah.
j

Friday, April 23, 2010

Lately I don't have the words

It's the Veteran, not the reporter, who has given us the freedom of press. It's the Veteran, not the poet, who has given us freedom of speech. It's the Veteran, not the community organizer, who gives us the freedom to demonstrate. It's the Military who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin ...is draped by the flag, who allows the protester to burn the flag." -Van T. Barfoot"

Thursday, April 22, 2010

" Heard about all them folks protesting,
as if I really want this war.
But that don't stop me from believing
there's just somethings worth fighting for.

And if I die before you wake
I pray the world will take
a good look at what God's given us
if we could only understand
everything is in his hand
all we need's a little faith and trust.

I want you to know,

it ain't too high a price to pay
if I die before you wake."

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Homeward bound



I found out yesterday that the Advanced Party replacements have arrived in Helmand province afghanistan which means Brandon is coming home soon. I'm posting this video I found from a friend on facebook who's son is a marine with Brandon's company. It touched me deeply. The photographs and especially the song- which was song by the Mormon Tabernacle choir called Homeward Bound. Here are the lyrics:

In the quiet misty morning
When the moon has gone to bed,
When the sparrows stop their singing
And the sky is clear and red.
When the summer's ceased its gleaming
When the corn is past its prime,

When adventure's lost its meaning -
I'll be homeward bound in time.

Bind me not to the pasture.
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow


If you find it's me you're missing
If you're hoping I'll return,
To your thoughts I'll soon be listening,
In the road I'll stop and turn
Then the wind will set me racing

As my journey nears its end
And the path I'll be retracing
When I'm homeward bound again.

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow

Bind me not to the pasture
Chain me not to the plow
Set me free to find my calling
And I'll return to you somehow

Thursday, April 15, 2010

THE BANNERS, THEY'RE HERE!





The red one is my favorite. it says WELCOME HOME SWEETCHEEKS!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

in war stories

BRANDON FINALLY CALLED! wayhhoooo! These things have happened

1. they got steaks and he ate his too pink and got sick
2. pam and jim are married (they've been watching the office and this was really happy to him)
3. he found a five pound bag of gummie bears and they were gone really really really fast
4. RIP benjamin franklin the lamb (he was killed in crossing fire, a soccer ball hit him and he died...)
5. dan caught a FIVE FOOT LIZARD and they are keeping it somewhere... I don't want to know
6. Camel spiders (if you want to know what they are look them up... you will wish you hadn't) are EVERYWHERE right now, and they numb your flesh before they start to eat you! EUGH~! Brandon said he was on post one night outside the higher up's tent and it was like eleven oh clock when he started hearing SCREAMS like little girls, when he went into the tent they were all up on their beds yelling and screeching because there was a camel spider.
7. they went into a town yesterday looking for a weapons cache brandon walked about with the metal detector and couldnt find anything so he started sweeping people (they didn't find that nearly as funny as he did.) and then he found a really cool knife buried.
8. we are NOT going to disneyland with the people i nanny for and he is really really happy about that, and i am too.
9. their puppy nixon wont eat MRE's and just stares at them sadly.
10. I absolutely cannot wait to see this man, and I love him so much.
11. Brandon wants to do an olympic triathalon when he gets home
12. Brandon wants to go to school when he gets home
13. I told Brandon about the Apron I made with mom yesterday and he was absolutely speechless. And then he blubbered like a fish.

That's all for now, the phone kept dying on me... but HE IS COMING HOME SOON so hold onto your socks!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

updates!

okay, I am trying to be much much more savvy than i actually am. so this blog is going to be... changing a lot.

lovelovelove.
j

Saturday, April 3, 2010

One year

I can't believe that one year ago next week, you drove the first of many five hours to take me on a date in Rexburg Idaho.

Love Vigilantes

I heard this song today on the way home, I crawled into my house and cried for four hours.





Some days I just wish I was as brave as Brandon and all the men out there with him.

For now, I'm curling up on our bed that isn't ours yet, holding onto a stuffed elephant for dear life and letting it all out.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

"A good book has no ending."- R.D. Cumming

Yesterday I got 39 Letters from Brandon in the mail. Today I got 4 more.

They are each responses to a letter I wrote him late one night (morning) with a billion questions on it.

He told me he would reply to each and every question
AND BOY DID HE.

That stinker.

I love him so much.

My favorite answer is to this question:

Do you feel like this deployment has changed you?


"I know it has...I will come home very human, very in love with you, and very in debt to God."

Sunday, March 28, 2010

watch it grow



Love is like a flower,
and, like the body, it needs constant feeding.

The mortal body would soon be emaciated and die if there were not frequent feedings. The tender flower would wither and die without food and water. And so love, also, cannot be expected to last forever unless it is continually fed with portions of love, the manifestation of esteem and admiration, the expressions of gratitude, and the consideration of unselfishness.

-President Spencer W. Kimball

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Chain of information

Thursday, March 25, 2010

semper fi

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade;
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry;
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

-Frederick Lehman (1917)

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

That's no excuse

First off, I want to apologize deeply to anyone who may have (or may not have) heard that I said something to hurt them in any way.

Secondly in my small small small defense, I need you to know a little bit about me.

I am terrified of groups, and people in general.

I want you to like me so badly, that I've even been diagnosed with social anxiety and medicated on and off in my life for it.

When I was in preschool, I would come home crying and tell my mom that I had no friends.

Even if I did have people who liked me or occasionally played with me.


Sometimes, and some days I say things I don't mean, things that are too mean,
things that don't make sense
and things that are probably really hurtful.

I am not a perfect person, and I don't expect others to be.

Again I am very sorry if I ever said or did something that was contradictory to how I really felt or how things really are.

I have a hard time expressing myself, and sometimes when it comes out, it comes out wrong, or distorted by my own insecurities.

Just know please, that I am trying very hard for you to like me, and to know you better, and in that endeavor I say too much about me, or too much about you, or too much about too much. And I'm sorry. I truly am.

Also know that I am trying to be better and more sensitive to the plain fact that most people just want to be loved as they are and not changed into someone I can love more easily.

I do want to know you, I want to make you laugh and smile and feel happy when you are sad and happy just in general.
I like people a lot.

I like you.
I do.

But give me a chance.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

all I ever think about is you coming home.

The Remember story, the picture of brandon with that word written on his hand was as I suspected kind of like a prayer rock.

He wrote Remember so that he would remember the good things in life, his scriptures, the gospel, his wife (wahoo!) his family, and home.

So that even though he might be in a bad place, or having a hard time he can remember what is good.
fin

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Novel Ideas


Together, we mean something.

Like a book,
if it was separated
it would just be
paper,
glue,
and ink.

alone.

But combined-

they mean something to others.
Those words.
They last.

The knowledge in them never dies.

Sunday, March 14, 2010

the little blue engine.

All this I think I can-ing is turning into I think I must- ing.




"Some people spend an entire lifetime wondering if they made a difference in the world. But, the Marines don't have that problem." -Ronald Regan

Friday, March 12, 2010

CS lewis on death

"What have you and I got to do but make our exit? When they told me I was in danger several months ago, I don't remember feeling distressed. I am talking, of course, about dying, not about being killed. If shells started falling about this house I should feel quite differently. An external, visible, and (still worse) audible threat at once wakes the instinct of self preservation into fierce activity. I don't think natural death has any similar terrors."

Before Brandon left we discussed often and with great passion the topic of death. Ironic that nowadays that's the last thing I want to think about or speak of. However, since it seems to be a real thing, (although in mourning I must echo Lewis's words when his wife died shortly after they were married "I cannot describe the apparent unreality of my life since then...") I felt like this first quote explained a concept that I never got in conversation with Brandon. He used to say "I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not." And that bothered me. Not only because his job demands he be CAREFUL about death (and because I demand it...) but because to die is a scary thing in my mind.

With a vivid imagination and creativity you can turn any adventure into plain and simple fear. And in the end, that fear is worse than the actual event you feared to begin with.

So I'm told.

And so I've learned in smaller experiences.

After the first week of March and the sadness that occurred therein he called me finally to talk about it.

He cried,
and said " for the first time, I'm really afraid. I'm afraid to die."

I think what he meant was
He's afraid to be killed.

And I'm glad there's a difference.
I do not envy any man the honor of dying for their country.
But I feel, that if Brandon does, then I should.

" I feel like a child, I'll patrol all day and night walking through villages that are known taliban strong holds, walking through thick fields where locals say there are mines. I do this just fine. I have no fear of loosing a leg or my life, but the thought of not returning to you brings me to my knees everytime. I just want to watch you live, to be the first thing you see every morning..."

-brandon


I'll love you Brandon Cochran
all ways.
Some letters from you come with the word "safe" written on them,
I like that.

Safe.

It's like when you were a kid, and you played the game Sorry,
getting into the safety corridor was the best feeling.

So now, I write it on all of Brandon's letters back to him, our return address is:

Safe.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Nic Uyeji

"America isn't at war, People in the military and their families are."

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Freedom isn't free















I'm making this blog post so that I'll never forget today, and so that all the people I know and love who know and love me back who feel like the war isn't worthwhile can maybe change their minds for a moment or two.

For people who think soldiers never cry.

For the families and friends and loved ones who have lost someone to this endless war.

If it's pointless- then let's point it in a direction.

Because people are dying.


I hate saying that it never mattered to me before, but it didn't. It wasn't real, it wasn't here.

It is there.

But that makes what I'm writing even more important, even more essential

in hopes that maybe you can understand

that if we don't believe in the people who are getting sent out there

they'll come back in coffins

and if they don't come back
then the war comes here.

We'll see how many people think that our fight on terrorism is useless when it's knocking on their front door.

or when their 19 year old sons are lying absent in a coffin.

When other brave men who have been sent to hand a flag
the symbol of our country
the symbol of blood and stripes

that lifeless material

that so many give their lives FOR

folded neatly into the family's empty hands.

More than anything

I want you to know how beautiful it all was in spite of the tragedy.

How the boy scouts lined the streets with tears in their eyes saluting every car, the old woman who stood on her stoop clutching a lone flag to her body, holding onto the past when it was good, and virtuous and noble to die for what you loved.

How a flock of birds decided the moment the guns shot in their last salute to LCPL Carlos Aragon to fly into the air in a V.

How it felt to watch your husband's best friend, the man who slept beside yours, be lowered into the ground.

The silence and the sadness, and the piece of your soldier's life going with that one- so that you could ultimately live.

So that we could all live without serving another person's beliefs.

Not important enough still?

Want to voice your opinion?

If you thought it didn't matter now,
It surely won't matter in a country that's not free...

Well, I'm not sure what will change your mind.
I know
I've changed mine.

Freedom isn't free.
It's bought with blood, time, and talents, from men and women who love this country more than they love themselves.

God bless you and keep you wherever you serve
LCPL CARLOS ARAGON (19)
LCPL OLSEN

Friday, March 5, 2010

February Sunday, someday

Church: 3 of us in a bunker,
Rifles,
One keeps watch while two
Bless the bread
Only two partake
But the other is there
So one day he can.


-BLC

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Somedays

http://franceis.blogspot.com/2010/03/somedays.html

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

There are no wars in heaven.

March 01 2010 Brandon's vehicle driver Lance Corp. Aragon stepped on an IED, a planted bomb and was killed.

Brandon hasn't called yet but I am sure he is very sad, he spoke often of Aragon.

RIP
Vous me manquez tellement ├ža fait mal.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

God does not need us to love Him.
But oh, how we need to love God!

For what we love
determines what we seek.

What we seek
determines what we think and do.

What we think and do
determines who we are
—and who we will become.

Uchtdorf

Devilish disguises

Okay, since I posted a story from brandon's childhood I thought I would post a funny story from mine that my Grandpa Minson sent me a few years ago and then recently again. It explains a lot about my character (annoying!) (just kidding) Some people who know me well have described it as a fire that is burning up underneath me and makes me want to MOVE. I just wanted to be all up in people's business. It was all out of love I assure you. But I'll let you decide I guess. (Chris is my mom, Christine)

Just rediscovered this letter from 1992. It's amazing what parental skills we taught our daughters. What do you think? Love, Dad and Gpa Minson



p.s. Would like a response from Jacqueline and Daniel. How did you both turn out so well? I don't think I would share this with Brandon, Jacqueline. It is too early in your marriage.











August 30, 1992





Dear Family,



I’m recording a couple of stories for posterity. Chris and Karen and Geri and Lynette may never record these so I’m volunteering.



Steve, Julie, Kiel, Karen, Terry, Samantha, Tanner, Lynette, Cabrina and I all went to see “Oklahoma” at an outdoor theater at Occidental College a week ago Saturday. On the way home Lynette was sharing her appreciation & respect for our whole family and specifically talked about what good mothers, Geri, Karen and Chris are.



I thought I’d pass on the complements so I started by calling Chris. Chris really laughed when she heard it. She said, “I’m glad Lynette isn’t here to see me now. I just got through dragging Jacqueline down the street, yelling at her all the way cause she had been such a rotten kid. I’ve put her in her room and am going to keep her there until she turns nineteen. I also told Lachelle that she was grounded until Jacqueline became a better kid.



“Lachelle couldn’t quite understand the logic of all this and cried to me, “What are you grounding me for, you’re the Mother.



Chris’s best friend in the neighborhood came over shortly after this saying, “Chris, are you alright? Did you really ground Lachelle until Jacqueline shapes up? Would you like to borrow my book on positive discipline?



Chris’s response was, in effect, “I don’t want to hear about positive discipline. What I need is a vacation.”



I asked Chris what led up to this crisis and she told how Jacqueline had pushed, punched and pinched all the kids in the car on the way home from primary and that as a result she was sent to her room until she could be good.



She sneaked out of her room shortly after that and went to one of the neighbors where she pinched a little girl and made her cry. Lachelle came running home to tell on her. Chris said to Lachelle, “What are you telling me for? I can’t raise Jacqueline all by myself. You’ve got to help me. Go back and make her straighten up.



Before Lachelle could respond to that, Jacqueline had migrated to another house where she punched another little girl and made her cry. The little girl’s older sister came running to tell Lachelle about the latest infraction. Then Chris demonstrated that even good Mom’s have reason to yell at their kids in front of the whole neighborhood.



When I shared this with Lynette and talked about holding Lachelle responsible for the behavior of Jacqueline, she laughed and shared how they are telling Cabrina, “If Tucker starts crying or yelling, we are going to hold you responsible.”



I had to laugh at that and told her how we used to say almost the same thing to Ron about Robert and how Ron used to hate it.



Lynette said, “I’d better remind Ron of that because he is even worse than I am about using this tactic.”



Then I called Sue and added an extra dimension by telling her that on the other hand, Steve enjoyed telling the younger kids what to do and I had to occasionally remind him that he wasn’t the Father - I was the Father.



Sue has a different approach to this problem though. She tells her kids, “Look, I’m the boss, not you. I waited a long time to earn the right to be the boss and now you’ll have to wait until it’s your turn.”



I was then sharing this all with Karen who assured me that Jacqueline was really going to be a great kid and that she would grow out of it. She said “Look how sweet Tamara is now. She grew out of it."



Then she shared another Jacqueline story.

Evidently Travis, who is a little younger than Jacqueline, had a toy she wanted. So she took it away from him. Travis’s response was to kick some water on her and turn and walk away.



Karen immediately thought, “Oh no Travis, don’t turn your back on Jacqueline.” Sure enough, Jacqueline ran after him, punched him in the back and knocked him to the ground.



I’m enclosing a picture of Jacqueline for those of you who may not know her well. She looks like a little angel, and she does demonstrate the characteristics of an angel of our Father in Heaven. (On the other hand, the devil has a few angels of his own and - - - !) But like Karen, I believe that she will choose the right side,
eventually.
In the meantime, we may be hearing a few more Jacqueline stories which will be good to record so that we can read them to her children at the right moment.

Don't sweat it.


Yesterday Brandon called me early in the morning to tell me a funny story.

There's a man in his company who loves himself.
[He didn't tell me who the man was, and I didn't ask]

Brandon said he catches the guy looking at himself all the time, he is always in the gym in a pair of military sweat pants that he has cut off at the knees to show his legs.

Decidedly, Brandon [who likes to look at himself sometimes too] cut his military sweats nigh to the bum and rolled them up so they were cheekies.

And went to go work out.


Was it worth losing a pair of sweats?

I'm not sure but I laughed really hard.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

picture this

I haven't seen you in five months.







Brandon, I don't have words.

Because I SCREAMED and lost them all.






Sunday, February 21, 2010

3 AM wake up call.

If we could rewrite the revalee (is that how you spell it?) it would be more triumphant, your voice sounding in my ears at three in the morning. How I long for sleep, but I long for you much much more.

You tell me about the marine in front of you who was arguing on the phone,
what a waste of time.

So we decide it would be fun to argue lovingly

"I LOVE YOU, DO YOU HEAR ME? AND DON'T YOU DARE THINK THAT I'M GOING TO SMILE LIKE A CRAZY LADY WHEN YOU GET HOME BECAUSE YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!"


"YOU ARE THE MOST GORGEOUS WOMAN ON THE EARTH!!!!! YOU THINK I LOVE YOU? YOU THINK I LOVE YOU? OKAY, YEAH I LOVE YOU AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO SAY IT!"


People stare at you
and I laugh and laugh.

Then I sleep like a rock.

A revived rock.

Somehow, on the other side of the earth you are awake thinking about me, at the same time I am awake thinking of you.

Miraculous.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Ultimate opposite day

It's 2 AM and I've been struggling to write Brandon a letter. There is something so final in a penned note, you can't edit it or change it, or delete it altogether like these words here. My words flow so freely here, because I know I always have a second chance. An infinite amount of second chances. When it's late and I'm feeling selfish and indulgent (which is often) I go through Brandon's things, his journals, his emails to me, his letters... his thoughts.

I am hungry for him.

Here are some things I found that are special and wonderful to me. And maybe you, whoever you are, can relate just a little bit, perhaps you could miss someone you never knew was missing. Or maybe it's just really late.

J




What if blankets made you cold, and beds, when you lie down, instead of falling asleep you flew awake, or baths that made you dirty, and razors that grew back your hair, and water that made you thirsty, and hugs that made you feel lonely, or trumpets the blew silence, and alarm clocks that put you to sleep, planners that helped you forget, and chairs that made you stand, and stands that made you sit, and lights that glowed dark, or libraries were places where people went to be loud, or rain that emptied the rivers, maps to get lost, and snow pants to go swimming and swimming suites to go snowboarding, or fish that swam in the sky and cats that walked on the ocean, or towels that made you wet, you day might go something like this:

You'd go to bed in the morning as soon as your alarm clock stopped ringing. There you'd rub rogain on your face, rub town with some towels and then stand in the tub to dry off, throw some food away while you kick you dog, slap your wife hello before you walked in the door not on your way to work. Here you'd sell snacks to the vending machine during lunch, until it was time for the 45 minute work break. Which youd spend by turning off your computer and stading on the desk. Walking backwards from home you take some money from the homeless man giving it out. Back at the office you slap your children, wife, and dog before putting on your shoes and tie and throwing away more food. Ready for rest you stand in the corner holding your breif case as your alarm clock begings to ring, and your eyes slowly open. Out the window you see a school of cats running across the ocean as a flock of fish dives down and picks them off one by one. A lonely man surrounded by people plays rythmic silence on his horn, the best song you've never heard. As the sun sinks above the horizon for the first time that day you begin to see nothing.

Brandon.

I'm thinking about you. It's interesting that I feel so close to someone that is so far. I feel like you're just around the corner, in the next room reading a book, wrapped in a blanket. It's quite, and it just stopped raining. All i hear is the hum of the refrigerator. The sun is walking across to floor so slowly you'd think it's trying to get away with something. Sometimes I like to watch furniture. How can it sit so still for so long? Part of me believes that if I sit still long enough I will see the chairs and couches rise and quickly stretch, shake out their legs, and then take their form once again before anyone even notices they had moved at all.It's 50 degrees. Kayla just walked in the kitchen, stopped to sniff some left over dinner residue on the floor before coming to lick my hand while I type. It must be hard being a dog. We buy dogs for when we are alone. But as soon as friends come over they get pushed aside, or put outside in a cage, in the cold. What if instead of buying a dog we hired a human to be with us, and as soon as we hear the door bell ring we're stuffing him in the closet, or the garage, or setting up the little adjustable barrier in the hall way just big enough that he can't climb over it. And if he ever tried to says anything we'd shush him and say NO!

'NO Bradley don't speak.' 'Behave! Bradley.' 'Sit Bradley.'

How many generations away is Kayla from being a wolf.

How many generations away are we from looking a little bit like a monkey.

I wonder who the first human was to ever have their heart broken. and if that feeling had even been felt yet, and whoever felt that first if they asked themselves why does my heart feel like it's going to burst, and what does this mean. And if arranged marriages were preformed back then did the parents of the son have to use pick up lines on the parents of the daughter? I do believe they had gyms back then. A roped off field with a variety of rocks in size and shape. and the girls would watch from a distance and laugh but really inside they were filled with awe and desire.

Today i'll go to the library to read about farming.

I hope I can talk to you soon.

brandon

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Patience, pay sense

I've been trying so hard to define our marriage, and I'm writing to tell you that I'm sorry. Because it simply cannot be done.

Because it grows and grows.

And I don't want predictable.

I never did,
and you never did

otherwise you wouldn't have chosen me,
and I wouldn't have chosen you.

Although now, that seems like the most predictable thing.

I can wait for our life to begin again.

I'll call it an impatient wait.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

We did it together.

remember the day that was perfectly sunny?

We went and bought a bag of frozen berries, a gallon of ice cream and mushed them all together

and ate them melting slowly
in my orange cups
reading A Good Man is Hard to Find
on the blanket outside in the sun

while you
ironically
sniffling
stubbornly

as you read
in the heat,
you had a cold.

But even if the weather wouldn't have allowed it,
I know I would have been warm

like the day we built a fort inside
all over the living room
and read peter pan in hushed accents

as the rain poured outside

the letters poured on the page

and we tickled each other until we broke a chair.

How did we do that?

I ask myself that question way too often.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Rememories pt 2

Remember that field?
Remember how the light was an oxymoron?

How the sky was painted a perfect gray but there were holes that the rain had come through lightly after punching through? Like a big doily.

That filtered sunlight.

Remember kneeling in that pasture and praying for that weather to make up its mind?

Whether it was coming or going
and I didn't mind,
watching you running through the tall grass mooing at the cows
who must have thought you quite ridiculous.

I recall you asking me, with your tight shirt and your muscles bearing down on me
if I would bring your car into that wide space.

Sarcastically I bit back with "oh yeah, I'll just carry it right over the ditch..."

I wondered if you could though...

silly huh.

I thought you could do everything.

With the small exception of you catching a cow to ride.

We fed the sheep instead,
they were skittish but gentle

they wouldn't go near you.

Are you sure you want to be a farmer?

That's okay though because they liked my hand, and they nibbled nicely on my ring.

You laughed at me because I wore the boots

and you,
in tennis shoes
in the mud.

Remember how I turned to look at your green eyes,
the sun was shining and it was raining softly

and in the distance crowning the top of your bare head

were two rainbows

complete.

And for the first time

even though the sheep liked me better

we matched
perfectly.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Rules rules.

I am going to edit this letter- but I got three in the mail today and they were wrapped up in the crummy usual mash of newspaper coupon clipping items that occupies my mailbox, so at first I did not see them and then when I let the mash drop to the floor I screamed with joy and grabbed the three white envelopes.

Then I proceeded to read them, burst out in tears- became quiet and laugh and laugh and laugh and then bawl until the water rolled down my face onto my hands, arms, lips, and all the letters. c'est fin.


But here's one.

p.s. in the marine corps they have a bunch of NUTTY rules that haven't been changed (or enforced thank the Lord) because they are so old and ABSOLUDICROUS that nobody has bothered- an example of this is this:


"a marine will ONLY USE BLACK INK in any form of writing."

CRAZY IN THE COCONUT, YES? I'm not even kidding.



January 19 2010

Dear Jacqueline,

The pen is blue! This may be the only blue pen in the entire southern half of Afghanistan. This is considered contraband, considering that marines ONLY use black pens. So don't go telling everyone back home your boys got a blue pen. I'll be court martialed! JK but REALLY. I was so excited to find this, like the day I found you. I just got off the phone with you. Things sound pretty... well the opposite of HOMEo-stasis. You have my permission to move to Australia. Yesterday I was chased by a big dog. What a sight to see four marines with automatic weapons running from a pooch just trying to guard a couple ducks. Anyway, we made it out alive, mostly. Except our pride. Do you know how much I miss you? [-------] x infinity That's a lot.

I love you
you love I?

Marry me?

-Brandon.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

If you are on your breast behavior, you can come home.

Brandon called me today, he could only talk for a brief moment and the reason for his calling (I am 95% sure) was to see if he could come home.

If any of you read my other blog (yeah, I'm selfish and have my own blog AND a married blog because I love to talk about myself that much...) you would know that I've been having pain in my left breast and found a lump there. Okay guys, freak out if it makes you feel better because I'm talking about a breast...
done?

alrighty,

so I went to the doc because it hurt so bad and it was growing,
and her evaluation of it was that it was just a fibrocystic growth (tissue that grows out of control) and that it was common for women my age to see (especially if there is a history of breast cancer in the family) (which I thought was odd...) (why hasn't anybody made that connection before?) (or why didn't I know about it?) (okay sorry about so many parenthesis...) she said that she would refer me to a specialist in salt lake who took one out of her breast- she told me that my chances were really good of it just being what she primarily diagnosed it to be (since it is painful, and moves a little)
just a lump that I could decide to get removed or not.

I want that sucker out.
SO
I have to make an appointment for my lovely lady lump to get an ultrasound, maybe be drained, and re-diagnosed- and perhaps surgically removed.

Brandon calls me today to ask me when my appointment is with the specialist.
I told him I haven't scheduled it yet
but hopefully next week or late in this week.

He tells me that if they find out I have breast cancer,
then I can contact him through the red cross, and they will send him home to me.

I laughed and asked him if he was hoping for that
he said no but he laughed like he meant yes.

Poor guy.

It must mean something when the man who willingly volunteered to go out into the service for his country has decided that coming home early to a wife with breast cancer would be better than staying where he is.

The breast case senario is no more lumps, (except for in my mash potatoes and cream of wheat please)
brandon comes home safely

and we go to the same restraunt that kirst and I went to tonight off university called Communal.

Love,
j

ps
brandon, if you ever read this someday, I want you to know how much more important it is that you are concentrating on keeping yourself safe from bombs and other terrifying things that I don't want to know about- rather than worrying about what is happening here in my left breast. (even though it IS close to my heart.) (you are closer) also, I want you to know that we are going to live a LONG AND HAPPY LIFE TOGETHER- do you hear me?!? so if you think I'm going to give all of our life here up then you are CRAZY IN THE COCONUT and you can dream on. Even with you gone halfway across the universe in a forsaken and desolate desert I am the happiest woman alive because I married you.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Oz never did give nothin to the tin man, that he didn't already have.



The Beautiful Brandon. (makeup by carbon chemical dust provided by your local taliban)



The skeptical quilt recievers... hahaha- brandon is handleing the quilt so daintily.



just a chimney sweep! ORBITZ clean



there is a black sheep in here somewhere... still covered in taliban dust.



zach anderson- brandon's sgt and friend on left and brandon on right



REAAAALLLL FUNNY. "I wanted to get EXACT coordinates for the IED"




the racks, the crew (brandon is hanging up his towel in the left corner ishness)

I PUT A TON OF OTHER PICTURES ZACH SENT MEGAN ON MY PERSONAL BLOG www.franceis.blogspot.com afghanistan is amazing.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Boost your moral- grow a mustache.







Brandon called this morning. Already I can't wait for him to call again. I was so sleepy but we laughed and laughed (okay maybe lack of sleep had a LITTLE bit to do with it) that and he is seriously thinking of coming home with a full mustache.

"But I thought you liked facial hair!?" he cried
I do, but mustaches have been kr33ping me out lately. It's not even that their formidable rise to popularity has been kinda irksome, just the people I associate with who have them that I can't stand at all.

He said he'll pray about it, but the general consensus among his ranks is that he should keep it.

I told him I'll pray about it and I'LL decide if my eyeballs like it enough so that my face-mouth will like it too.

He says He'll groom the thing.
blehgh!


I'm thinking chuck norris with a beautiful mcdonald's archway over his forehead
and then I think about how I'm just looking out for his well being- his fashion's well being. Right now it's probably not "being" much...

I can't be sure if I would help him by telling him to get rid of the thing, since it seems to be boosting moral.

That and this substance.

Chocolate.

"Jacqueline,
I
AM
ADDICTED
TO
CHOCOLATE."

oh Brandon. I am so glad you signed us up for dental insurance before you left.

We ARE selling your contract to the air force as soon as possibly otherwise you may have dentures before you are thirty.

So, I need to send a sling shot (because apparently men running from dogs holding machine guns is unmanly- and men running from dogs with machine guns AND sling shots IS MANLY!)

more hot cocoa.
anything chocolate.
pancake mix.

and more love than I can fit in a box
because I can't fit myself in those flat rate boxes.

even with spin classes.




[jesus=#1 in our hearts]
love,
j

Sunday, January 24, 2010

Bravo

God bless Bravo Company 4th LAR in Afghanistan.

Please keep the rest of them safe, and please bless the family of the man who died yesterday by the hand of a suicide bomber.


Bless the five men surrounding him who took impact from the blow,

And please bless that their sister company Charlie can find the men who organized it.

Pray for the military. Please.

j

Saturday, January 23, 2010

a few things you need to know

Mrs Cochran

A few things you need to know:

1. You are the love of my life. You are more than anything I ever imagined I would have for a wife.

2. I thank God sincerely night and day for answering the prayer that sent you into my life.

3. No matter how cold or dark the night is you warm my heart and bring a smile to my face.

4. I hope and pray every day that I can give you the life you want and fill it with laughter, adventure, and farm animals.

5. You are my best friend, even though I CRUSH you in candyland and pillow fights and eating ice cream.

6. Can we have kids yet?

7. You will always be the most beautiful woman in the COSMOS.

Simply... I luf you!

<3>

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Oh pea um


Would someone please classify the era of art that this belongs to?

Thank you,
J

July 1 2009 With deepest sympathy

At three oh clock today
I finally got out of bed.
The night was a long one the room I slept in overrun by new nieces
sleeping all over the bed, in a crib and on the couch.
After two sets of earplugs,
six hours of tossing and turning
moving addi from the couch to the bed and myself waking with every noise the baby made
I marched downstairs,
knocked on brandon's door
and said
it's your turn.

This morning he asked me if I still wanted kids.

I asked him to marry me
he said yes
and so I asked him when he was going to ask me
since I ask him every day.

Today.

I stepped out of the shower and threw on some underwear
feeling good about my finally
not so albino skin
I threw open the bathroom door
and glanced around my room.
(I would say I threw my eyes around the room but I am beginning to think I throw too many things.)

Stuff everywhere.
Except something was different from when I got in the shower.
On my bed near the left edge facing towards me
is the most beautiful rose I have ever seen.
Next to the rose
are the words
typed from
an old type
righter

Sundance ski lift 6PM
See you at the top.
Love,
Brandon

I turn over the card and a pink ticket for the sundance lift falls to the floor.
I glance on the other side of the card
for more clues

and read the words
"With deepest sympathy"
Orem Floral & Gift


I'm not sure
whether to laugh or cry
so I do both.

I get to be with you forever.

Wherever you go
I go too.

and so I am lucky
and I guess you should know
that

I
love
you.

Will you marry me tomorrow and the next day and the day after that?

With deep sympathy,
Jacqueline J Francis (tentatively in the most assured manner) Cochran

August 9th 2009

Already the drawers next to our bed in the guesthouse are beginning to mirror yours in sundance.
It seems the term night-stand applies
more liberally as "day"-night-stand.
Why do they even call it a stand?
It does nothing of the sort
but instead,
is the perfect image of stillness.
I've decided then
to call it a day-sit
from this time forward
from this time still stagnant
forever.
I'm glad I've married a stand
er.
Someone who wants to go somewhere
and I never fear
Rolling over in bed
my love silent beside me
and kissing the night stand.
I mean the day sit.
No
you are alive and not
content to sit
still.
And allow the papers
the leafs of my life
to lie
in your
quiet
wooden
arms.
No.
you are the words
you are the movement
the moment
my soul sits upon
lips
you read out to me
and in those endless eyes
I live.

All you need

Just a preface, I got a really really sweet comment on this blog from one of brandon's good friends and I just felt like I should post the rest of our story- the in betweens and a lot of blogs from my personal blog that I've kept (entries from when I first met brandon etc) It's a lot to read but I want it included in this. Thank you for reading, it makes me feel so loved to know that other people feel this kind of love, and want to know about it.

The old, knew.

Watching
you walk down
the stares with your eyes up on mine
could have been the perfect ending to an evening
until you, slipping down the last three-
lay there looking up at me
into the deep darkening blue
and spoke these words
"Jacqueline,
I think
I've fallen
for you."

Love is no big truth

The answer

The trays go round
the room and
with the exception
of a baby's cry
and the usual
shuffle of comfort
or lack thereof
it is silent.
In the midst of
all this
my mind catches a
muffled
question.
the small girl
in front of me,
slipping on her
dress in earnest
replies

"Because I love you"

I soon realize this
reason is the
answer to
everything
in my
heart.

She said

Today my wonderful sweet fabulous fantastic supercalifragilisticexpealidocious etc. relief society (emphasis on relief) said this in comment to something I said in church
she said

"My mother never read 'they lived happily ever after' instead, she changed the words to 'And they worked very hard to love each other every day'."


I love that.

It is so true. Growing up, my concept of love and temple marriage was celestial. That doesn't mean that marriage isn't all its cut out to be - for realz people its the greatest in the whole wide earth. It just means that it isn't perfect, and that if we work together as a team and turn our hearts to God and the gospel and to others that we make it alright.

My husband is the dreamiest, most wonderful kind hearted, sacrificing, fun, and aggravatingly patient person. I'm glad we have our differences, it opens my eyes to so much more.

It makes me know that we are ALWAYS a team, and we are ALWAYS worth any struggle. The convenants and promises we've made mean that together- we can become perfect. Well, in our eyes at least.

But the hard work comes first.

I can't wait.


Love cracks your heart open, spreads it really wide until you think your body is going to split into a million tiny pieces and then- miraculously it heals.

So next time, you can hold it all.

They're here, they're gonna be big.



yes, those are CROISSANTS

What you smell like

Somehow we always end up on the floor, tangled in blankets, and each other's arms.

Your hair is messy.

I shaved my head, but if I didn't it would be messy too.

In this comfortable contortion you ask 'what do I smell like?'

For an instant my man nature takes over and I almost say 'Chicken,......'because that's what we had for dinner.

But your eyes tell me you want something poetic, a simile, some synesthesia or sonnet telling you

That

You smell like the moment rain first begins to fall.

Off beat

as it decorates the sidewalk with

polka dots.

OR

The last day of school

OR

When from your backyard you hear the faint familiar jingle of the ice cream truck,

not sure if it's coming or going you panic

realizing you're a dime short to get the popsicle

shaped like a shark

But remembering your friend owes you, you take off running down the side walk barefoot

carefully

because it's hot

hoping he's heard the truck too.

My mind races to find something creative, something so amazing that even after I leave she'll muse over the beauty of that metaphor for days. I could see her in my mind at the flower shop she works at, telling her co-workers while she blankly re-arranges a perfect bouquet of roses 'He said I smell like...." And she'd sigh, and all the girls in the flower shop would sigh and say something about how she's so lucky and how their husbands used to be like that, and how they're not and how they wish they were.

But all that came out was 'Fall leaves'

"You smell like fall leaves"

By the expression on her face I might as well have said deranged, miscolored, rotting foliage.

"You smell like deranged, miscolored, rotting foliage."

I sink back into the pile of human and fabric

defeated.

But the truth is

you did kinda smell

like

chicken,

a little fowl.

-BLC

Monday, January 18, 2010

Hi Honey!

(this is from brandon to me.) I am not including the whole letter but just enough.

I just got off the phone with you. Your voice brings peace to my heart. All of the stress, frustration, and fear that weighs on my shoulders leaves when I hear you say you love me.
I love you forever.
I always feel like it's the last day of school in the 3rd grade when I think you are my wife!
I am so grateful we are married. Today a marine came to me in tears telling me his fiancee said she just can't wait for him. I don't know what I would do if I was in his shoes and you were the girl who could not wait for me.
What do you think would have happened if we wouldn't have married?Do you think you could have waited? (YES YES YES YES YES- j.) I am so glad we did though.
People talk about how much money they are going to have when they get home and what they'll buy and do. They ask me and I say Ill have ________ dollars and the most beautiful wife in the whole world. As long as I have you when I get home that is all I'll need, and want...

I've lost the nick name "golden boy" because I no longer feel as I once did about the corps. I view the high ranks with impudence. I am tired of their supercilious aura. I am tired of being a peon, obeying orders that they would not carry out themselves.
A spirit of rebellion has entered our ranks, marines refusing to obey, marines on the verge of snapping from the injustices heaped upon us. I pray, and pray, and pray. I endure. I lean upon Christ, He carries me day to day. They cannot break me, I have filled my heart and mind with love. I refuse to let hate fill me. I will not succumb. Pray for me my love, and I will pray for me. Go to the temple for me. I really believe I will come home a better man. I will for you. The mind is mine and I give it to you. pure. love b.DO NOT ENTER ---->MARINE CORPS.

Dear Brandon

okay, it's about time again (I keep sending letters to brandon but I seal them before I type them up (doiiiiighhh_dumb) ) so here is one finally- don't think I'm being cruel and never writing back to all these amazing letters blc writes (although I readily admit that his are so much more beautiful than mine) (maybe I just have to think that god's earth is greener beneath his feet because I love him like whoah but srsly) BUT I AM. proof:

[romantic, uplifting side]
Brandon,
Sometimes before I fall asleep at night your face appears in my mind and I am filled with the undescribable accumulation of all the thoughts I have to tell you throughout the day. These things begin penning themselves in a letter that only my dreams see- and when I wake up, the words fail and are replaced with a feeling that is a day old, and must develop again, anew.

If I could try to tell you what that feeling is it would take many words and I am sure a lifetime of love and adventures. But I can still try.

So that even with you on the other side of the world, you know that it is like

the idea of you entering a room, sends shivers into my heart and makes it wider, smile , and sometimes do spastic dances. It's the deep deep sweet.
It's the feeling of flight, the freedom to fall.
It's knowing nothing, but expecting hope and goodness.
It's the last bite of ice cream on the lid.

It's the stranger who stops to ask if you are okay.
It's your first valentine from someone who isn't your best friend, and then your first valentine from someone who is.

It's the honest nobility of a spare kindness, or care.
It's knowing you're here, even if you're there.

It's the sound of the ice cream truck.

It's the climb and the summit.
It's the motivation, the memory, the melody.

It's the word,
that endless word
it bends and beckons,
it reasons and expands simple views
into nature

in every grandeur
in every time.

It's like this
only a small increment
of the un- expressible
miracle of you.
and me.

[silly and slightly weird side...]

Some thoughtsicles:
I hope you didn't call me
today my phone is le dead.

We had sunday dinner at the cabin last night.
It's snowing again.
Today, I bundled the children into three layers each and drug (!?!) DRAGGED them (well, they sorta dragged me) out into the yard to make their first snowman,
the attempt (somewhat sullied by Boo's pee and poo ridden snow in the yard)
looks like this
pickles for eyes, carrot (classic) knows, herb branch for the smile, poop...

CUTE HUH
We had to do some reconstructive surgery to his/her face but he/she is happy near the back garden (this is an exact replica of the snowman, but may not be to size)

xoxoxoxoppooopxoxoxoxoxo

ps. the lump in my breast is hopefully a benign cyst or an infection, LOVE YOU!

love,
Wyfuh (like wifii internet but EVERYWHERE)
 

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